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The Brown Noser

Sports Happening Again

Published Friday, September 3rd, 2010

"The unmistakable stench of sweat and complex rule systems cut through the brisk fall air last Monday as sources were reluctant to report that sports seem to have returned to Brown's campus.

Sports take a massive toll on the entire community as innocent people are forced to organize, observe, participate in, and remark on the outcomes of literally hundreds of sporting events throughout the fall and into the winter.

"Oh no," said Martin Kaufman '12, offensive tackle for a Brown sports team. "Sports again. I hate sports so much. The turning of the leaves always makes me cringe, because I know that following right on its heels will be the coaches. Dear god, the coaches. They descend on the campus and just start yelling at us to run around and hit people and throw different shaped objects. It's dreadful."

For some, the lengthening morning egg line at the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall was the critical sign that sports have arrived and begun treading their grim path of destruction.

"I thought we were finally done with sports once people finally stopped talking about the godforsaken world cup of kickball back in July,"" said Julia Armitage '12. ""But no, here they are again, louder than ever."

Even the student newspapers seem to have ascertained that something sports-related is going on, sometimes featuring full-page spreads that try in vain to find some kind of meaning behind senseless activities like 'spiking,' 'scoring,' and 'the infield fly rule.'

"People have always tried to console themselves in the face of sports by focusing on what they call 'the winners,'" said Professor of History Brian Herschel. "But in the long run it's impossible to win. In sports, there are only losers."

Once a sporting event has begun, there is little hope that it will end until it has run its full course. In some cases, rain and snow can forestall the carnage, but they can never prevent it.

To WBRU's Jason Cutler '11 falls the unenviable duty of sharing sports spectators' suffering with thousands of people at a time over the radio. His only recourse in the face of such a bleak existence is outright denial, as he claims the job is "fun and fulfilling."

Efforts to impede the sports will be especially strained this year thanks to the recent dissolution of the Theta Delta Chi fraternity, whose members have tried for years to prevent an outbreak. Now, however, sports are poised to run rampant around Brown's campus, along with that game where you throw the beanbag into the hole and drink alcohol and talk loudly.

Though it is some freshmen's first exposure to the harsh reality of sports, Josh Baez '14 said that he has never known a world without them.

"Sports got my father. Grandpa too. I came to Brown to get away from all the sports, but here they even have something called 'intramurals,'" said Baez, his voice cracking. "Now I realize it will never end."

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