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The Brown Noser

Stephen King Frustrated He Can’t Think Of Any Nice Monsters

Published Friday, March 11th, 2016

Repeating what has become regular practice, Author Stephen King let out a sigh as he struggled to think of at least one nice monster he could write about, sources reported Monday. Crumpling up another sheet of paper, King expressed his fears that he might be stuck writing exclusively about scary monsters his entire career.

“I just don’t want to become predictable,” King said, holding his head down. “I’ve gotten so close to coming up with a creature that isn’t absolutely terrifying, but then I find some way to blow it. “It” was originally supposed to be about a vampire that made fun balloon animals for the children. Boy, did I make a mess out of that one.”

In his attempt to just once write a sweet story, King has taken to free associating. However, this has yielded little success. “Flower” to “dirt” to “grave” to “a bunch of people killed by a vampire” is a typical progression of his thoughts.

“I’m workshopping this one monster right now,” King said, hope filling his eyes. “He has a good heart. He cares a lot about the children. Gives them ice cream from his ice cream truck. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention he’s a werewolf that works as an ice cream man. Then one day, he goes bad and poisons all the ice cream. Shoot! I blew it again.”

King struggles to create a monster that isn’t so nice that no one would believe it is actually a monster. Potential titles of books that King has scrapped due to this fear include “A Good Day For Fishing,” “It’s Your Turn To Ride The Swing,” and “That’s Not A Rain Cloud. It’s A Sun Cloud.”

King tells his sources that some days he just thinks about giving up for good, but then he remembers his fans and how he owes them one monster that doesn’t end up killing anyone. Unfortunately, thinking about his fans while writing only leads to King crafting short stories about possessed dolls that kill Stephen King fans.

“If there was one thing I could tell my fans,” said King. “It would be that I promise to change. I have the potential to write about so many different types of monsters: monsters that do taxes, monsters that go bowling, monsters that pilot airplanes. Instead, I’ve just been writing about monsters that kill people. Nice going, Stephen! Not!”

At the conclusion of this interview, Stephen King died. We here at “The Noser” sure will miss him.

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