Sunday, November 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Stop Drinking All My Coffee by Dave

Published Friday, September 13th, 2019

Hey. Dave here. You know—Dave from Dave’s Coffee. And I have a bone to pick with everyone, something that’s really being weighing on me lately: why are you drinking all my coffee? Please stop doing that. It’s mine.

I don’t know how much clearer I’m supposed to make it. “DAVE’S Coffee.” Not John’s Coffee. Not Emily’s Coffee. Not Sasha’s Coffee. DAVE’S Coffee. I’ve tried to ensure that no one mooches off of me by clearly and legibly labeling it. Well, imagine my surprise when complete strangers came in droves to cop a taste of my decadent beans. Guys, it’s not for you! It’s my coffee!

I even tried making stickers to spread the word that this coffee belongs to me and no one else, but this only made things worse. You’d almost think they said “Your Coffee” or “Everyone’s Coffee” instead of “Dave’s Coffee”.

I just don’t get it. You wouldn’t take your coworker’s lunch from the fridge if it was clearly labeled with his name, would you? No, because that’s incredibly rude. Don’t I deserve the same courtesy? All I’m asking is that you respect my vast collection of craft-roasted coffees. Is that so hard to wrap your heads around?

To add insult to injury, you’ve also started eating my personal stash of delicious baked goods and parfaits. I don’t have enough money to create “Dave’s Parfaits” or “Dave’s Pastries” stickers or signage, but shouldn’t basic human decency keep you from taking what is rightfully mine?

I’m not asking for much. I just really like my coffee. Honestly, where do you people get off?

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