Distant screams heard from North Campus have confirmed that sophomore Ryan Hindleman just castrated himself after stepping on Pembroke Seal.

“You know, some people might call me crazy, but I heard that the last guy who stepped on this seal fathered twins before graduation,” explained Hindleman, who was also a virgin at the time of the incident. “All the upperclassmen told me this was how it works."

“Now I’m not very superstitious, but when I accidentally stepped on the seal, I thought I might as well play it safe,” stated Hindleman as a deluge of blood flowed down his leg. “I’m really just not ready to be a father, so I did the logical next step and cut off my balls. Now I can live my life confidently!”

At press time, a gay man who accidentally walked over the seal was confused about what was going to happen to him.

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