Saturday, March 15, 2025
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The Brown Noser

Student Castrates Himself After Stepping On Pembroke Seal

Published Friday, March 14th, 2025

Distant screams heard from North Campus have confirmed that sophomore Ryan Hindleman just castrated himself after stepping on Pembroke Seal.

“You know, some people might call me crazy, but I heard that the last guy who stepped on this seal fathered twins before graduation,” explained Hindleman, who was also a virgin at the time of the incident. “All the upperclassmen told me this was how it works."

“Now I’m not very superstitious, but when I accidentally stepped on the seal, I thought I might as well play it safe,” stated Hindleman as a deluge of blood flowed down his leg. “I’m really just not ready to be a father, so I did the logical next step and cut off my balls. Now I can live my life confidently!”

At press time, a gay man who accidentally walked over the seal was confused about what was going to happen to him.