Partly Cloudy, 64°
Sources report that Ashley Robinson ‘26 was gently serenaded awake by the sweet melody of her roommate’s fifth alarm this morning. Each day features a transcendent curation of several different alarm sounds, including exquisite harpsichord music, blaring sirens, and rustic rooster squawks, set from 6:45 to 8:30 AM.
“It’s so considerate of my dear roomie Rachel to set so many alarms to peacefully ease me into my day,” gushed Robinson, who hasn’t slept in past 9 AM since winter break. “She spaces them out in fifteen to thirty minute intervals and graciously lets each melody ring for the full time! So helpful.”
“I find the alarms really meditative,” reported Robinson, whose FitBit has been recording intensely disrupted sleep patterns all semester. “It’s the perfect soundtrack to lay awake in my bed watching the sun come up, while darling Rachel continues to get her beauty sleep.”
“Rachel is so sweet to make sure that I always wake up in time for her 9 AM, even if she doesn’t,” continued Robinson, observing a ringing in her ears which could be either a symptom of sleep deprivation or yet another alarm. “I couldn’t ask for a more pleasant way to start every day.”
At press time, several freshmen were enjoying luxurious vacations to their lounge couch after being sexiled by their roommates at 3 AM.
