Partly Cloudy, 64°
Reports indicate that Aiden Bowen ’25 has officially reached an all-time low after ordering an Uber from North Campus to the Ratty despite the existence of free Brown Shuttles, TransLock, and his own legs.
“The weather was fine, so I know that wasn’t it,” reported one eyewitness who watched Bowen nearly fall as he tried exiting the red Honda Civic that had a glowing light reading “UBER” on the windshield. “Maybe a little damp, but nothing that justified calling a car for a two-minute drive. And he definitely knew that what he was doing was wrong because we all saw him try to cover his face with his hood and sneak into the crowd of people waiting in line without being noticed like some D-lister.”
“I pick up all kinds of people,” said Bowen’s driver, who spoke anonymously. “Drunk freshmen, professors late to class, even that one nut who made me take him to the RISD Museum—but this? This was a new one for sure. He got in and just said, ‘Ratty, fast!’ like I was his getaway driver or something. I should’ve charged him surge pricing just out of principle.”
“He could’ve taken the Brown BUS,” said another student who witnessed Bowen’s descent into peak laziness. “It literally stops right there. I watched him ignore a perfectly good shuttle, spend five minutes looking at his phone, and then hop into an Uber like a madman. I swear, give it a week, and he’ll be helicoptering to the SciLi’s 12th floor. Unbelievable.”
At press time, Bowen was seen hovering over his phone, debating whether or not it was worth the $15 delivery fee to Doordash a Baja’s burrito the Ratty.
