Upon receiving the latest issue of the Brown Noser, student Cassidy Martinez shocked everyone nearby by actually proceeding to read one of the articles in its entirety.
“We all took one to be polite and laughed at a few headlines," said Martinez’s friend, Jackie Walter, "No one has the time to give it much more attention than that. But Cassidy just kept on reading. It took me a minute to realize she had moved past the headline and was actually reading the article. Like doesn’t she have classes or meetings to go to?”
“I could see her eyes moving from one line to the next and I couldn’t help but wonder why she wasn’t spending that time on studying for finals or something like that,” said Walter, expressing surprise that Martinez’s schedule must be so open. “She’d save so much time if she just read the headline like everyone else. That’s all you need since the article basically just repeats the joke the headline makes over and over."
“I’m pretty sure she read the captions under the pictures too,” Walter added. “I didn’t think anyone ever looked at those. And if she really has that much free time, couldn’t she take a nap or do something actually worthwhile?”
“Typically you reach a certain point in the paper and realize you don’t need to read any more,” continued Walter, noting that some satirical articles tend to get repetitive near the end. “But you could tell Cassidy read to the end of all the articles because she would turn the page to read the last few sentences. Shouldn’t she have some readings to do right now that are actually important?”
At press time, Martinez was actually reading the Opinions section.