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The Brown Noser

Student Trying to Finish Essay Before Humanity’s Deadline

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

Furiously typing away at her draft of a 10 page sociology midterm paper, Elizabeth Rawlins ’22 is struggling to finish her essay before humanity’s deadline.

“This is a really important paper,” Rawlins said, repeatedly looking at her watch to check the remaining time before the end of the world. “It just sucks that I don’t have enough time to make it as good as I know it can be. My main priority now is just getting it to my professor while there is still an internet.”

Students in all areas of study have reported difficulties working from home under rapidly approaching, species-threatening deadlines. Many hope professors will be understanding if some work does not make it to them before tribes of rogue bandits pillage their hometowns.

“I tried asking my professor for an extension, but he wrote back saying that the essay must be in before the fall of man, which means I’ve got to finish all my research tonight,” continued Rawlins, outlining her essay as she descended into her safety bunker. “Look, it’s not gonna be my best work, but it certainly will be my last before the dawn of a new world in which only the strong of body and mind will remain."

Anticipating total societal collapse, Rawlins reportedly considered dropping the course and changing her concentration from sociology to hunting and gathering.

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