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The Brown Noser

Study: 95% Of Medieval Knights’ Quests Undertaken In Hopes Of Getting Laid

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

According to a study published this week in Medieval Archaeology, 95 percent of medieval knights’ quests were originally undertaken in the hopes of having sex with a beautiful woman upon their completion.

“While it appears that a select few knights embarked on quests in the name of God or bravery, we found that a vast majority of medieval knights only went on dangerous quests because they thought they would ultimately get laid for doing so,” said the study’s leader, Kevin Peters of Columbia University, adding that many knights would even turn down quests if there were no sexy maidens watching them.

“In one case study, we found that a knight rode his horse nonstop for 12 days and nights, fighting dozens of brutal enemies with only one broken spear and a lucky medallion his father had given him on his deathbed,” explained Peters. “Oral histories of the event, passed down over the course of hundreds of years, stated that at one point an army of cursed soldiers bombarded the knight as he was passing through a forest, and he was forced to use the bones of one of his fallen enemies as a club to beat the others to death. When he finally managed to return to his homeland he explained that the only reason he did any of it was because he had hoped that when he finally got home the neighbor woman would be impressed and sleep with him.”

Peters added that in general, difficult quests, such as the search for the holy grail or fountain of youth, promised a better chance of going all the way with a beautiful maiden, while an easy quest that only took a knight one town over, or could be completed in a day, would usually just get you a bj.

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