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A new study put out by the nation’s fussing mothers found that 95 percent of American sons badly need a haircut. American mothers are distressed by the nation’s high rate of shaggy hair, but researchers say that they aren’t surprised by the findings, citing American sons’ unmade beds, sagging pants and stained shirts.
“Our findings show that the vast majority of sons look sloppy,” said lead researcher Susan Colton. “The good news is that American sons could be 100 percent more handsome if they would let their mothers schedule a hair appointment for them.”
“Our report shows that the leading reason for sons needing a haircut is that their hair is too long, and it’s covering up their beautiful eyes,” said Colton. “Other reasons for needing a haircut immediately include not looking like a nice young man and scaring your grandmother silly with that hair.”
In addition, the study points out that the majority of young men would look just like their father when he was young, if they would just clean up a little. Research suggests that pretty girls at school probably wouldn’t be able to take their hands off the nation’s sons, if they cut their hair or put on a shirt with buttons for once. Colton emphasized that her research was for the good of American sons, and that she knows they’re very good boys, who are extremely smart and talented.
When polled, 100 percent of the nation’s sons said that American moms need to just lay off it and drive them to Kevin’s house.
