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A shocking new study published last week reveals that students learn no better from actual final examinations than they do from “placebo finals” made up of only a single blank sheet of paper.
“The study was conducted as a final project for CLPS majors at Brown University. We had professors from seven different departments assign half their students a normal final exam while the other half received the completely blank placebo final,” said CLPS Department chair Antoine Lee, addressing an empty room full of placebo reporters. “When quizzed on their mastery of the subject matter two months later, the researchers discovered no significant difference between the two groups.”
“These placebo finals have serious potential to improve the notoriously low grade averages in our classes at Brown,” suggested Lee, pausing only to cough after choking on his placebo bagel. “Not to mention how it’ll cut down on paper costs and grading headaches alike.”
“I started to get suspicious after ChatGPT couldn’t figure out what to do with it,” said an anonymous student included in the study after being informed that they had received a placebo final last semester. “So I just submitted a blank sheet of paper and hoped for the best, like I usually do. Ultimately, I think I learned about as much as I would have from the real thing.”
At press time, a new study was being conducted to figure out whether students learn just as well from lifeless “placebo teacher” mannequins who stand at the front of the classroom and deny regrade requests.
