A new study out of the Birmingham Research Foundation has proven once and for all that everyone taller than you is also older than you. “Our research settles the long-fought battle between the height and age sciences,” detailed the report’s author Dr. Philip Bobcat, the tallest among his colleagues and therefore also the oldest. “If someone is way taller than you, that means they’re way older than you. But if they’re only a little bit taller, that means they’ve probably only got a year or two on you. Either way, you must treat everyone who is taller than you with more respect because they’re older, smarter, and they’ve earned it.” At press time, the study also confirmed that everyone shorter than you is a little child and you should make sure they know that.

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