After analyzing the habits of college students nationwide, a new study reports that sleeping together while sharing one flat pillow under a sweaty blanket on a plastic mattress is the ultimate sign of true love. “Years of research and testing have answered the age-old question of how to truly encapsulate love,” said researcher Hore Neeteen, who has studied the signs of love since plastic dorm mattresses have existed. “We’ve finally come across a truly amazing discovery. The key is the small dimensions of the college mattress, which induce a sense of cohabitation and closeness between individuals and fosters the feeling we know as love. Add in a singular pillow such that each person’s amygdala is within sensory range of the other, and then add a sweaty blanket to induce pheromones. Bada bing, bada boom, those two kids have eyes for each other and no one else.” At press time, another study found that sharing the same freshman orientation group is the ultimate sign of a friendship meant to last.

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