Partly Cloudy, 64°
Stupid West Coaster Jeff Jackson ’28 has not stopped complaining about the cold clearly because he has never been to an Antarctic wind tunnel.
“It is true that some people can’t handle the cold. They say that it ‘hurts their faces’ or ‘causes frostbite’ or whatever those snowflake-hating snowflakes get on about these days,” commented Jackson’s roommate Harry Jones. “Some would say that these kinds of complaints are natural. I don’t. I say that they are a sign of weakness.”
“Just look at these idiot West Coasters, bundled up like they’re in some post-apocalyptic nuclear winter movie with radioactive snow that freezes their fingers off if they so much as breathe near it. These are the kind of numbnuts who think 30 degrees is ‘cold’ and 0 is ‘frigid,’” continued Jones, walking outside in shorts and a t-shirt. “Well, I’ll tell you what’s frigid: 200 miles-per-hour winds in my sub -60 degree wind tunnel stationed in the middle of Wilkes land, East of Vostok Station. Now that’s cold. So until the mercury freezes in your thermometer and Jeff can’t move without being blown a hundred feet off course into a wall of ice and snow, he can just shut up about the cold.”
At press time, an East Coaster in California was complaining about the heat as if they’ve been in anything close to an all-glass insulated house on the solar-facing surface of Mercury.
