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The Brown Noser

Talented Defense Lawyer Convinces Judge He Committed The Crime

Published Friday, December 5th, 2014

In a surprising conclusion to a seemingly straightforward armed robbery trial, skilled defense attorney Howard Voelker convinced Judge Louis Bancroft of his own guilt. “I know I didn’t commit the crime, but I’m a defense attorney. My job is to win my case, and I stop at nothing. That’s what you saw in the courtroom today. A man really good at his job,” Voelker said, outlining the legal reasoning behind his decision to implicate himself in a crime punishable by fifteen years of prison without the possibility of parole. “My client is violent and dangerous. Quite frankly, I think he will commit more crimes, but that’s not my problem. It’s my duty to empathize with my client, no matter how certain I am of his guilt. This professionalism really paid off. It’s just a shame they convicted an innocent man instead. It’s even more of a shame that man was me.” Despite his incredible legal talents, as of press time, Voelker had failed to convince his wife to wait for him.

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