Thursday, February 20, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Thayer Getting Too Corporate, Reports BEO Concentrator Who Will One Day Bulldoze Yosemite

Published Friday, October 25th, 2019

After a walk on Thayer Street past the new Chase Bank and recently closed Tealuxe, Dan Silver, a BEO concentrator who will one day bulldoze Yosemite, reported that Thayer Street is getting too corporate.

“I just feel like with the addition of all these chains, Thayer is losing what makes it so unique,” reported Silver, who, in a mere 20 years, will use the skills and connections he is currently developing in Brown’s BEO program to spearhead an initiative to raze one of the country’s oldest and largest national parks for private development. “People need to realize that small businesses add an invaluable charm to our campus and the local community as a whole.”

“That’s why it’s so important we all collectively take action by supporting local business on Thayer,” continued Silver, who will one day order a violent response against protesters of his plan to flatten the park’s unbridled beauty and permanently destroy its unique, extensive biodiversity and habitats. “Because together we can make our voices heard!”

At press time, Silver had bought a “Keep Thayer Weird” t-shirt, which he will one day replace in his closet with a plain Uniqlo tee.

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