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The Brown Noser

Third Grader Realizes His Best Years Are Behind Him

Published Friday, December 6th, 2019

Nine year old Andrew Arnewicz was reportedly seen sulking after realizing that his best years are behind him.

“I’ve clearly peaked. Wow, that’s heavy,” Arnewicz said, wallowing in the depths of his existential crisis. “It’s all downhill from here I guess. Maybe I should find new hobbies, or go to a new school, or leave my family and start a new one.”

“I haven’t done anything with my life,” Arnewicz muttered to himself, sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth. “Youth is fleeting. One day you’re playing with trains and the next you’re staring your own mortality in the face, wondering how you’ve left your mark on the world. I’d give anything to be seven again!”

At press time, Arnewicz was telling a group of second graders that they need to enjoy their youth while it lasts.

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