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The Brown Noser

Time He Takes To Respond To Texts Only Control Man Has Over Own Life

Published Friday, September 5th, 2014

Local man Joey Stanton’s only sense of power over his life reportedly comes from the amount of time he waits before responding to a texts from his friends and family members. Stanton, who spends approximately 60 hours a week catering to his boss’s whims and going along with whatever his friends and girlfriend want to do, feels immense pleasure when he waits for a few minutes before replying to a text.

“My friend texted me a few hours ago. I thought of a funny reply right away, but then I realized I had my friend right where I wanted him. In that moment, I was in control, so I decided to give it some time,” Stanton said, describing a text message that his friend didn’t bother to respond to.

Stanton often waits until the next morning to respond to texts he gets late at night. “People want to read what I text back, so they’re going to have to wait for it. My schedule doesn’t revolve around others,” said Stanton, who dutifully takes his girlfriend of two years out for dinner and a movie of her choosing every Friday night.

“I’ll text back when I feel like it,” Stanton said, describing literally the only thing he can do when he feels like it.

According to Stanton, his peak level of satisfaction comes when a friend needs to message him a second time to make sure that he saw the original text. “The other day, my friends texted me to see if I wanted to come over and watch the game with them. I didn’t text back, so I got another message asking if I was around,” Stanton said. “It feels good to have some clout over them.”

“They were helpless just waiting for me to respond,” Stanton added.

As of press time, Stanton was watching the progress of a group text about where to grab dinner before deciding whether to text back that he was free and could go for whatever.

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