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Tourists have confirmed that Times Square Elmo looks exactly like the real Elmo, only if Elmo was repeatedly run over by a semi-trailer truck.
“The whole situation was frightening,” reported tourist Nicole Ward as she calmed down her 4-year-old son who broke out into hysterical tears at the sight of the Times Square Elmo. “I mean, was it technically Elmo? Yeah? I guess you could say that. But did Elmo look like it was lit on fire, pureed in an industrial-grade blender, and run over a dozen times by an eighteen-wheeler? Also yes.”
“Next thing we knew, Elmo, if you even want to call it that, approached us and placed his arm around my husband, boldly assuming we’d all want a photo together,” continued Ward, who shooed the distorted Elmo away from her now-screaming child. “I’m sorry, but did disfigured Elmo think I’d feature that thing on our family holiday card? No thanks. I didn’t want to get anywhere near its grimy, unkempt fur.”
“I couldn’t believe it, but I actually saw some people tipping Elmo for photographs,” continued Ward, who soon after trekked to the nearest CVS to clear out their stock of Purell. “It should’ve been the other way around—run-over Elmo should have been the one paying people to take a picture with it. No wonder they call this city the city that never sleeps. How could you sleep at night with Elmo from The Conjuring roaming around these streets?”
At press time, Times Square Minnie Mouse wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that she was a grown ass dude in a costume.
