Sources report that a category 5 tornado swerved cleanly around Casimir Pulaski Elementary School in Carbondale, Illinois when it encountered schoolchildren kneeling in a line. “As a school in the Midwest, we make sure to teach our kids tornado safety,” said principal Barbara Pocket in reference to the monthly tornado drills where the children kneel in the hallway for 10 minutes. “Though yesterday’s tornado had winds over 200 miles per hour, destroyed half of our town, and killed nearly 1,000 people, our elementary school came out perfectly fine. When that beast of a tornado sensed the 200 kids kneeling against their lockers, it passed right around us. All we felt was a pleasant spring breeze!” At press time, the deadly force of a plane crash had no effect on passengers wearing those flimsy little airplane seat belts.

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