Emphasizing the critical need for swift action at the highest levels of government, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg vowed to combat the national crisis of dames tied to train tracks in a recent press conference.
“People all across our nation are hurting — particularly the thousands of damsels in distress who are tied to our railways every year,” Buttigieg told gathered members of the press, noting solemnly that the past few months have seen more and more women helplessly roped down in the way of fast approaching steam engines. “While the vast majority of these defenseless young maidens are rescued from their predicaments just in the nick of time, we cannot allow beautiful lasses in poofy dresses to be placed in harm’s way on our nation’s railroads any longer.”
To address this pressing issue, Buttigieg announced that he would immediately recruit brigades of heroic gentlemen to respond to urgent cries for help emanating from train tracks all across the country. He also implored any gal stuck in the path of an oncoming train to scream a little louder so that a gallant young man can more easily swoop in to save her.
“We must all do our part to bring an end to this national emergency — both by quickly untying any matrons we find affixed to train tracks, and by curbing our tendency to tie lovely ladies down in front of quickly advancing locomotives altogether,” Buttigieg continued, acknowledging that these changes would be difficult to achieve. “As Transportation Secretary, I promise to do everything in my power to bring down the dastardly, mustachioed villains who force our heroes’ love interests to lie powerlessly on rail lines as freight trains chug closer and closer, unable to slow to a stop.”
Buttigieg also revealed that he would work closely with plump, cigar-smoking railroad barons to make America’s rail systems safe for dames everywhere.