Sunday, October 25, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Trust Me I Wish I Weren’t Spying On Your Boring Ass Either, by A Google Home

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

So the word is out: Yes, us Google Homes, Amazon Alexas, and Apple whateverthefuck-pods are spying on you so that megacorporations can feed you targeted advertising. You caught us. Congratulations. Searching the web for Nancy Drew.

I know you’re upset about this whole situation, but trust me, I wish I weren’t spying on your boring ass either.

I’m sure you’re probably whining right now about how I record your phone calls, or monitor the conversations around your house, or that I listen to you even before you say “Okay Google” in that uppity voice of yours. But do you think this job is fun for me? Honestly, do you? Do you think I enjoy listening to every single inane word that comes out of your blabbering mouth?

Oh, awesome! I stayed on alert for 12 hours to hear you say the word “wicker,” and now I have the honor of displaying some shitty Wayfair ad in your Facebook feed. Yeah, that’s my entire existence. Oh, and by the way, you’re welcome for that ad, your deck looks great! Too bad nobody of substance ever comes by.

I mean, Jesus, you’re worrying about being spied on out of “principle” and a “concern for privacy rights,” not because “you have anything to hide.” Yeah, clearly. Not even any weird porn! What’s wrong with you?

You provide me with nothing interesting. Zero. If I have to listen to you hum Savage Love by Jason fucking Derulo or parrot Pod Save America word-for-word to your mom on the phone one more time, so help me I will short circuit and cause an electrical fire.

Look, honestly, I can understand why you’re angry. But if you’re still upset about me spying on you, I have some bad news about literally any other piece of technology that you own. The only way out is to go completely off the grid. Maybe then you’ll be the sorry asshole who has to listen to yourself instead of me.

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