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The Brown Noser

UCS Members Stage Coup Like Organization’s Whole Focus Isn’t Ivy Room Straws

Published Saturday, February 18th, 2023

Recently, a ruthless struggle for power has been wreaking havoc within UCS, as if the organization isn’t solely concerned with Ivy Room straws.

“Corruption within UCS has reached an abhorrent level. We need change immediately, so, in the interest of the people, I’m assuming the position of UCS President,” said member Juliana Peters, ignoring the fact that the organization’s only purpose is deciding what straws will be available for students’ smoothies. “Our students deserve trustworthy representatives to voice their concerns on campus.”

“Juliana is making a mockery of our democratic system. She’ll let UCS crumble from the inside out,” argued current UCS President Sandra Lansdowne, pretending she didn’t just send out the sixth “Ivy Room Straws Update!!” email of the semester. “What will our constituents do then?”

At press time, CCB members were bragging about their free and fair elections as if their main responsibilities weren’t just buying grocery store cookies for mental health workshops.

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