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The Brown Noser

UFB Generously Provides First Experience Of Financial Difficulty For Thousands Of Brown Students

Published Friday, October 27th, 2023

By instituting unprecedented budget cuts to many student organizations, the Undergraduate Finance Board has generously opted to provide many members of the Brown community with their first experience of financial difficulty.

“As the student body’s financial representatives, the success of student organizations is our greatest goal, and we are truly dismayed to offer a smaller budget than usual,” stated UFB President Sara Hedges, dutifully authorizing massive reductions for BCA, a capella, and many other beloved student groups. “But, to a school with a median family income of $204,000, we’re offering something even better than well-deserved activities funds: the harsh realization that money isn’t endless.”

“For so many of our nepo babies and one-percenters, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience a period of mild financial difficulty,” continued Hedges, daydreaming about all the upper-middle-class students soon to be marginally more aware of the economic realities facing most of the population. “This year, we’ve finally committed to giving them that priceless experience.”

“We hope that these budget cuts will be a truly formative moment for the 51% of our student body not on any kind of financial aid,” Hedges added, rejoicing at the sight of several students with trust funds stressing over a one-day Spring Weekend. “And it’s all thanks to the Undergraduate Finance Board.”

At press time, Brown’s richest students were starting to grasp the concept of food insecurity after Jo’s and Baja’s closed at 3am.

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