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Putting an end to hours of brutal competition between warring factions of freshmen, the Unit Wars were finally halted by the recent signing of the Unit Peace Accords.
“The University will long remember the armistice we’ve established here today,” said Maya Alcala ’21, an RPL in EmWool who presided over the ceasefire negotiations that ended the watermelon eating contests and three-legged races that had shaken the freshman class to its core. “Never again will the units in Archibald attack the units in Andrews with water balloons. Never again will students in Metcalf destroy the students in New Pembroke 4 in a potato sack hopping race. Peace — not infighting — will reign among all first-years from this point forward.”
Emissaries from all freshmen units joined together at the peace talks and ultimately affixed their signatures to the historic treaty, putting beside the banners of war they had painted the day prior to unite under the common flag of the orientation lanyard. “May this new peaceful order allow freshmen from all parts of campus to walk freely from one dorm party to the next,” Alcala declared.
Four years removed from the enactment of the historic compact, the Class of 2023 reportedly shattered the Unit Peace Accords by reigniting Unit Wars as seniors.
