Sunday, October 25, 2020
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The Brown Noser

United States Census Bureau Announces Plan To Count By Twos This Year

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

In a recent press conference, statisticians from the United States Census Bureau announced plans to count by twos this year. “It usually takes us a full year to count every single person in the U.S. one-by-one, but recently we’ve concluded that it would be much faster if we just counted by twos instead,” said Ron LaPierre, who spent his entire career as a statistician counting by ones like a preschooler. “Our models forecast that we could cut the collection time in half just by skipping every other number when we count.” At press time, LaPierre mentioned this was the biggest innovation for the Bureau since they started using tally marks to keep track of what number they were on in 2000.

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