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Brown University affirms the endowment is not used as a political instrument but instead as a hydraulic fracking instrument.
“It’s not about politics,” said President Paxson after releasing a statement in support of staying invested in a political entity. “It’s about oil—always has been, always will be. Everyone can learn to love injecting fluids into subterranean rocks to create fractures and improve gas flow. It doesn’t matter if you’re Republican or Democrat, Black or white, Israeli or Pa…rtially Israeli.”
“All these protests and the kids don’t even know what they’re protesting. Every year. Swear to god,” said Chancellor Moynihan irritatedly as he diligently researched which gas wells in Pennsylvania the University’s endowment has yet to help fund. “Every time I hear those kids yelling about where we’re investing our money, I take out this photo I keep of my favorite oil rig. The boys and I named her Tonya. She reminds me this isn’t all for nothing.”
At press time, a new tree sculpture on the Main Green looks suspiciously not like a tree and more like a fully operating oil rig.
