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The Brown Noser

University Boots Up Paxson Neural Network To Generate Automated Email Acknowledging Current Events

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

As a national news story quickly developed, University administrators booted up the advanced Christina Paxson neural network that has served as Brown’s president since 2012 to generate an automated email acknowledging current events.

“On behalf of the entire Brown community, I would like to respond to the events currently unfolding in our country,” the Paxson supercomputer automatically printed onto a strip of ticker tape, already training on a vast dataset of tepid University statements as human technicians flickered on the lights in the laboratory where the mainframe was housed. “We condemn the disappointing occurrences we’ve all been seeing and applaud the work being done to address them.”

As a team of engineers tapped away at a wide control panel covered in glowing buttons and switches, the artificially intelligent Paxson system gained access to the network and began scraping the web for data on the current news cycle to feed through its algorithm for outputting generic community-wide emails.

“In the face of these challenges, we remain devoted to our mission as a community of learners and educators,” the automated Paxson protocol flashed across a panel of LCD screens as the the machine whirred loudly, consuming more and more processing power as it worked to identify the optimal words to convey minimal information. “We can’t know what will happen tonight or in the coming days, but now more than ever, we should consider the importance of the commitment we make to find ways to improve our communities, the countries we call home, and the world.”

Before powering down the cutting-edge Paxson engine, the President’s operators ran a program to fire off a few form emails denying the demands of various student activist groups.

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