Sources report that scholars in the Brown University School of Public Health are hard at work manufacturing the release of a new virus in order to regain their relevance.
“I just really miss feeling important,” said the dean of the School of Public Health, Dr. Megan Ranney. “Last year I got to go on CNN and send emails out to the whole campus two or three times a day. Now I’m just lucky to set up a flu shot clinic.”
“You know, back in the good old days of COVID, I could get a meeting with President Paxson whenever I wanted! Now I have to go through her secretary.” complained Ranney, absentmindedly twirling around several vials filled with green liquids. “I’m just not feeling the love right now, and I think a new disease could change that.”
At press time, Ranney could be found placing new signs around the libraries featuring children thanking you for wearing a mask.

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