This fall, an autumn leaf has proven itself to be utterly useless because it is completely silent when stepped on. “I stepped on this stupid leaf and it didn’t even make a loud crunch,” said Blair Cranston, regretting even bothering to walk over the worthless leaf. “It’s all brown and dry-looking, so I thought it would make a nice sound. But when I put my foot down–nothing but silence. Not even the smallest crunch. Not even a crackle.” At press time, a pointless pinecone on the ground didn’t even smell like cinnamon.

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