Reports from an undisclosed island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean stated that local villain Dr. Malice was experiencing some regrets about his lair’s location.
“You know, when I bought the place, I thought, ‘Hey, this will be intimidating, and, like, evil as fuck.’ But when the electricity bill is through the roof just to run the damn AC to keep it under 30,000 degrees in here, you realize perhaps an office space in Cranston might’ve been more affordable and practical,” said Malice over the sound of seven box fans running at full blast.
“Not to mention the Wi-Fi service down here is horrific,” added Malice, standing next to a giant fountain of flames, which he claims he snagged for a bargain at an evil estate sale. “Shit, the helicopter landing pad is sinking into the magma again!”
“Why does a lair have to be so menacing, anyway?” Malice said. “Why can’t I just plot my crimes while sitting on some quaint Ikea furniture instead of this weird spiky chair? Also, the volcano erupts every so often, which is really inconvenient.
At press time, Malice was scrolling Zillow for cheap properties with enough space for his Giant Ray Gun of Death and nice hardwood floors.

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