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The Brown Noser

Water Bottle Too Clangy

Published Friday, May 12th, 2023

Heads turned during a Tuesday morning lecture when freshman Kenzie Adams unsheathed a 128oz Hydro Flask from her backpack, releasing a series of chimes and clangs reminiscent of the Notre-Dame at Mass.

“It sounded like she was dragging a wind chime through gravel,” said sophomore Aaron Banks, hoping his eardrums hadn’t been blown out from the sound of the water bottle being set down on a desk. “Her backpack was banging around so loudly, it sounded like she was some kind of xylophone smuggler.”

“At first, I thought it was an earthquake because the building was shaking,” said Banks, shocked that the bottle’s reverberations caused a nearby laptop screen to crack. “I hope she knows that monstrosity is practically a weapon. They need to regulate this type of thing.”

At press time, Adams dropped the bottle into the aisle and it rolled off into the sunset.

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