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The Brown Noser

Wax Figure Sculptor Makes Peace With Fact That He Will Be Murdered By One Of His Creations

Published Friday, November 4th, 2016

Nodding knowingly and sighing to himself, wax figure sculptor Ian Murray made peace with the fact that he will ultimately be murdered by one of his creations. Murray, who has been sculpting wax figures for over 30 years, has spent most of that time grappling with the reality that one of his wax characters will undoubtedly come to life and kill him one day.

“It’s something everyone thinking about making a life in wax figures considers, but no one ever really wants to accept,” explained Murray, glancing over his shoulder to see if the wax figure of Andrew Jackson standing behind him had gained sentience “These things are so eerie and lifelike that it would be foolish of me to not understand that one day they’re bound to spring to life with a deep desire to murder their creator.”
Murray continues to work in his original workshop, which is filled with glass eyes, sharp sculpting tools, and other off-putting objects that portend doom. “I’m finally accepting that one day, one of these life sized dolls is going to come alive and strangle or stab me, and that’s ok. I’ve spent years trying to imagine all of the ways these waxies could kill me. Wax Napoleon would stab me with his sword. Wax Jimmy Fallon would strangle me. The wax Queen of England would snap my neck. The Wax Beatles would take turns beating me up until I’m dead. I’m finally stepping back and deciding to just let it be a surprise when it happens.”

At press time, Murray was seen sculpting a gun into the hand of wax Harry Potter, in the hopes of ensuring a quick and painless death.

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