Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

We Have Heard Your Concern About How We Treat Our Workers, So We Have Changed Our Company’s Logo To A Seventies Font

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

Honesty and transparency are fundamental to how we do business. That’s why we’re taking responsibility and saying openly, “Hey, we messed up.” We’re not perfect, but we thank you for pushing us to be. We’ve heard your concerns about our unethical labor practices and have decided to step up and meet the typographical moment.

Because of your important work, we have changed the company’s logo to a swoopy 1970’s font.

We want to personally thank the workers striking outside our facilities and the congresspeople who have threatened us with anti-trust litigation. Your voices matter and they are always heard at our company. Because of all of your incredible dedication to change, our company’s logo is not only groovy but also forest green. Know that you did that.

You should also know that all of the four people who designed our new logo were not only paid in accordance with federal minimum-wage laws but also on time. We imagine a future in which all of our workers are paid this way. And imagining is the first step to making a dream a reality.

Though we may be big now, at heart we’re still a plucky little start-up. It may be hard to imagine, but when we started we were just four friends in a garage with a dream. It’s especially hard to imagine because two of those friends have pending lawsuits against our CEO and the fourth friend was found dead under mysterious circumstances. But that’s in the past. Now we’re a global leader who, thanks to you, has a logo that apparently makes you all think of “a vague sense of peace and love.”

Our bold switch to this 1970s font isn’t just for now; it’s for the future. We are proud to announce that this vintage-looking typeface will be crucial to our CEO’s plan to combat climate change: a floating cloud city, where it will be on signs.

But for now, when you go into work and see the NO BATHROOM sign and think of a disco, or a co-op, or even a cozy, wood-paneled basement, take pride in the fact that you work for a company that listens. Thank you!

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