Partly Cloudy, 64°
Providence homeowner and pharmacist Terry Grossman reported yesterday that he is now seriously unnerved by the persistent sound coming from the man chained to his radiator.
“It’d be okay if it were a constant hum,” said Grossman. “It’s that sporadic banging around and yelping that really spooks me. I’d go after the thing with a wrench, but I think that would only exacerbate the problem.”
Grossman’s Governor Street home was constructed in the early 20th century and is equipped with a 100-year-old heating system to match. But Grossman says this is the first problem he has had with the house since acquired it in 2007, and the first problem he has had with the man since he encountered him at a downtown bar, slipped a sedative into his beverage, took him home and attached him to the radiator two nights ago.
“These old houses have their own charm,” Grossman remarked. “Colonial, right? Lately, I’ve been reminding myself that you’ve got to take the bad with the good. But boy is that noise annoying.”
Grossman added, “And when I don’t feed the man, it gets even worse.”
Grossman has attempted to remedy the problem several times: gagging the man, berating the man, playing classical music at a high volume, and beating the man. So far, none of Grossman’s efforts have been successful. “It’s gotten to the point where I’m seriously considering getting a new radiator,” he said. “Downstairs. I would put the second radiator in the basement and that’s the one I’d chain this noisy guy to.”
Grossman’s only remaining recourse is to call for outside help, but he is hesitant to pursue this option because it would almost certainly compromise his plan to one day eat the man. “I’m not crazy,” said Grossman. “I know it’s illegal to kidnap a man. However, accepting that I did do that, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to ask for a little peace and quiet.”
To distract himself from the strange noise, Grossman has been trouble-shooting a problem that affects his 2002 Ford E-Series van. Namely, his engine produces a loud rattle because there are dozens of bones banging around in there.
