Expressing their amazement at the remarkable speed with which he put away the hundreds of painted eggs, sources within the White House have reported that the annual Easter egg roll has been canceled after Steve Bannon ate them all. “We were keeping them in a special fridge downstairs,” said one aide, adding that Bannon could barely move when she saw him trying to sneak his way out of the kitchen this morning. “His face was so bloated. His eyes were glazed over, and he had eggshells all over his shirt. I asked what happened and he just mumbled something about feeling like a cuck after getting kicked off the National Security Council, and then he burped in my face. It’s a shame we have to cancel this tradition because the Chief White House Strategist consumed every single hard-boiled egg that we had prepared and decorated for the event.” At press time, Bannon was dutifully regurgitating a half-digested egg into Trump’s mouth.

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