Sources report that area woman Beatrix Jenklestein is flaunting her New Yorker bag like she’s the empress of prose and wit.

“Oh, this? It’s my new New Yorker bag," said Jenklestein, tossing the bag over her shoulder like she reigns over the world of short essays, one-panel comics, and dry humor pieces. “They only give it to you if you get a subscription."

“It’s not a big deal. It just means I read the New Yorker," continued Jenklestein, staring at other students holding books like they were literary peasants compared to her impossibly sophisticated taste in short fiction and think pieces. “Doesn’t everybody read it? David Sedaris? Ronan Farrow? Shouts and Murmurs? Or maybe other people just don’t ‘get’ it!"

At press time, Jenklestein was picking up a Bon Appetit tote like the queen of stove and spatula.

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