According to sources, a worker at the Jo’s salad station late Tuesday night was seen chopping lettuce like he was some kind of cold-blooded serial killer.

“First, he sorted out all of the spinach and sliced off the stems,” said sophomore Lyle Pham, describing the disturbingly sinister methods the worker used to break the leafy green into small, consumable pieces. “Once everything was sorted, he stabbed the leaves with the tip of his knife until all that was left was a fine pulp.”

“He then singled out the crispy chicken, taking his blade and manically slashing at it until it was shredded to bits," Pham continued, visibly rattled by the experience. “He put the egg aside, but it did not escape his wrath. Just when I thought it was all over, he slammed it down on the cutting board and brutally quartered it.”

“He didn’t break eye contact with me the entire time.”

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