Doling out hunting rifles to a group of trembling freshmen, President Christina Paxson emphasized that killing a wild animal is the first step toward adulthood.

“You ain’t a man ‘till you’ve shot your first buck,” said a camo-clad Paxson, followed by a nervous jumble of first-years. “You gotta be quiet when we’re out there in the woods, or the critters are gonna hear you and run away. If you wanna matriculate into our fine university, we can’t have that happening.”

“There’s no thrill like the thrill of the hunt,” Paxson continued as members of the EmWool second floor stepped over haphazard logs and rocks. “If you thought getting into Brown was a challenge, just wait ‘till you’ve looked a deer in its face knowing that, in seconds, a bullet would go right through its eye.”

At press time, the group members were painting themselves to look like foliage in a camouflage effort.

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