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Just when Stephanie Tillsden '13 thought math professor Thomas Kandel's ineptitude had reached an absolute maximum, he yet again managed to reach a new plane of awkwardness when he asked her on a date to a social function.
The encounter occurred on Tuesday in the third quadrant of the Main Green after Kandel altered his directional vector to intersect with Tillsden's. Her breathing, which previously might have been described by sin(x), now more closely modeled the function sin(3x).
"He always seems to know where I am. It's like being in the Matrix or something. I mean why intercept a student outside of class like that?" Tillsden asked.
Kandel offered her Dippin' Dots, his favorite dot product, and although normally she would have refused, Dippin' Dots are something of an outlier, Tillsden said. They are delicious.
She quickly realized her mistake as it became clear that Kandel had plans exponentially more ambitious than ice cream.
He asked Tillsden to accompany him to a faculty dinner under the pretense that he needed a prime student such as herself to help split the bill and that he needed to invite her so they would have a perfect number of guests.
"Later you can come to my house, have some wine, and do a math problem set. Don't worry, it's only 10-proof."
Tillsden attempted to deflect the conversation to other topics, but Kandel was not to be deterred.
"You keep going off on tangents. Maybe it's a sign."
Kandel then leaned in close with a smile. Tillsden would prefer to leave the ensuing social error undefined.
"My head is just rotating with how awkward that was. Translation: that guy only needs to look once at his reflection to know he had no chance. What a square."
Kandel has reportedly hit on both male and female students in the past, and while Gregory Ellard '12 always knew this wasn't normal, he is starting to suspect his professor may be binormal.
"I saw him last week and I crossed the street to try to avoid him, but he followed me around the corner. So I tried crossing the street again and he said 'We just crossed two streets together. I guess that gives us a third street orthogonal to both of them,' winked, and gestured toward his fourth floor office in the building next to us. What the fuck does that even mean?"
Asked about his interaction with Tillsden, Kandel was direct:
"I don't mean to be obtuse, but she's a cute girl. She has the right angles."
