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Until yesterday, conspiracy theorists like James Lochfoot were never regarded with any sort of credibility. However, with new evidence suggesting that the Barus & Holley building is actually the chest of what many assume is some sort of giant fighting robot, many are beginning to listen to what Lochfoot has to say.
"Why do you think those automatic glass doors never open? They are sealed shut and covered with a laser proof adhesive to protect against alien weaponry!" shouted Lochfoot yesterday to a crowd of onlookers on the steps of Faunce house. "And Prince Lab is really just a giant power generator. This is one big automaton!"
According to officials, University President Ruth Simmons attempted to forward a chain e-mail to five friends last night when she inadvertently attached a classified photograph of what appears to be a massive robot equipped with a sword and proton cannon with one foot propped up atop a giant lizard-esque creature. The torso of this enormous machine bore an uncanny resemblance to Barus & Holley, Brown's own engineering building.
Simmons refused to comment, but her aides have told Noser reporters that she "was afraid her wish would never come true unless she forwarded the e-mail to at least five friends." How the classified and groundbreaking photograph was "accidentally" attached to the email still remains unknown.
"Simmons was sending the picture out as a code that the world is in danger again!" continued Lochfoot, who has since gathered a large audience on the Main Green. "We have to find out who she sent the email to so we can piece together this puzzle! It is imperative that we discover the locations of the other parts of this potentially harmful android for our own safety! This thing.this Megazord. could be a threat to all life on earth as we know it!"
Researchers have begun to speculate where the other components of this 'Megazord' may be. "This thing may be more than just a lizard-slaying robot," began Brown robotics expert Boris Potts. "It may be the manifestation of some sort of conspiracy of world domination by a group of world leaders and superpowers."
Private Investigator Peter Andell commented, "there's a lot that can be learned from a quick wall-to-wall check! These two have been talking on facebook for years. Most of it is in some sort of cryptic code, but we're working hard to crack it."
The wall comments refer to a group of individuals who call themselves 'rangers of supernatural power,' all of whom are public figures who own or control large edifices or estates around the world. "A lot of important information is coming from the decryption," Andell told Noser reporters. "According to the decoded post, the Petronas Towers in Malaysia make up this machine's arms, and the Arc de Triomphe makes up the legs. The Sydney Opera house constitutes some sort of razor sharp jock strap, but we are not quite sure what exactly the structure is protecting. Scholars maintain that it may be the Empire State Building, but this is only speculation."
Back at Brown, Lochfoot's words have caused quite a stir. Now that students cannot trust their engineering building, they have begun to question other things in our community that may be more than they seem. Things that students accepted as commonplace yesterday are being challenged today. The conspiracy that has gained the most steam over the past few involves how all of the phallic statues and structures around campus are actually alien cocoons. The mail room has been roped off until further notice, and students are afraid of even looking at the Sci-Li.
