Partly Cloudy, 64°
A new fad, "Boobs", has come abreast on college campuses for a purpose altogether different than the original intended use: as bulbous double-barreled human udders.
The trend has been described as "irresponsible" by the Food and Drug Administration, which approved the original use of Mammary Glands for nubile feeding in clinically safe doses.
Mandy (34-B), who declined to divulge her real name, says she has never lactated. But she admits to having used her "knockers" to attract potential mates, to receive and register arousal during foreplay, and even to hold money at parties in the intervening space, colloquially called "cleavage".
"There's an entire online community," said Deborah (27-C), who recently began using her chest-mounted fat sacules for non-evolutionary purposes, "People post tips for growing them and help each other find ways of distributing them in local neighborhoods."
Apparently, they are getting bigger. Communities are swelling with young people. As early as middle school, cliques are developing between the "hooters" and the "losers".
"They're a great way to meet new people," Brown University Student BUDS Worker Chelsea (31-BB) said on a break from work, huddled in an alley, desperately adjusting her push-up bra to better display her two balls of eroticized blubber, "'Get Busty' once and you're automatically friends with anyone else who uses them too."
"All the cool kids have Boobs", she added, then asked if I wanted to "motorboat".
Clarisa (24-A), the only student mother in the sophomore class, is appalled by her classmates. "My parents are proud of me for my restraint," she said, changing two of her six children's diapers at once.
"But sometimes when I'm alone after I've put the kids to bed, I look at my Feeding Bags in the mirror and reconsider this life I've chosen." says Clarisa, who swears her Breast use is limited to milk production and as a paperweight, "But then I snap out of it, put ointment on my chapped areolas, and fall into a deep knowing slumber."
Many parents are aware that their children have breasts, but claim ignorance that their offspring may not be using them for what millions of years of natural selection intended.
"I used 'Titties' when I was in college once or twice, but to think that my daughter could have." Edna McDallion (29-CC) choked out between sobs after having recently been informed by the Dean of the College that Samantha (36-DD) had been caught using her swollen mammary glands unbiologically, "Using her.BOOBS not to produce milk for unborn progeny?! "
Still sobbing, the gentle outline of her bosoms rose and fell with the heaving of her breath.
