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In what has developed into a very polarizing issue, the Brown Stand-Up Comics denied admission last week to Vic Doherty, a former marine who lost his legs during the Vietnam War.
Doherty, who spent four years fighting for our nation against the "git darn bast'rd-toothed, Soviet-lovin', flag-burnin' commies," engaged in a hunger strike as a protest of his rejection. "This here is discrim'nation due to my legs not bein' attached to my body!" argued Doherty. "Yeah, I can't stand no more. So what? Just caus' I sacr'ficed my legs to feed a starvin' chimpanzee out in 'Nam DON'T mean I can't do stand-up comedy! I DESERVE A CHANCE, DAMNIT!"
The Comics were eager to resolve the situation peacefully. "It has nothing to do with the fact that he's limbless," explained comic Dane Wright '08. "It has to do with the fact that he has absolutely no affiliation in any way with the University and that his current residence is a cardboard box on the corner of Thayer and Meeting Street."
With further investigation, however, the truth was finally revealed: "To tell you the truth," confessed comedian Mitch Martin '09, "we didn't take him because he just wasn't funny. The highlight of his routine was: 'What's black and white and red all over? A GIT DARN COMMIE PANDA, THAT'S WHAT!' Plus, I think he may have rabies. He really doesn't have any redeeming qualities."
"Well lookey here," snapped Doherty upon hearing this testimony. "You Reds over at the Brown Noser just landed yourselves spots on my list!"
Doherty's list, which is drawn on his sock, is comprised of four hundred names of people, places, and inanimate objects around campus that he suspects to be "Dirty Pinkos." The list includes the panini staff at The Gate, the Thayer Street kettle corn man, the residents of Champlin Hall, 12 Jabberwocks, the statue outside of MacMillan Hall, anyone who has ever been to the Avon Cinema, and a fabled chupacabra that plagues the campus garden on the first of each month.
"I know it sounds ridiculous," commented Mia Barnes '10, "but what if it's true? What if all of these people really are communists? What if they're planning to take over the school and start a revolution? What if they have a nuke!? WE'RE ALL IN DANGER! KILL THE COMMIES!"
This small scale Red Scare has begun to creep across the campus. Champlin Hall is currently under quarantine, even the most pretentious moviegoers are afraid of entering the Avon, and God only knows where that statue is now. On a lighter note, though, Doherty's allegations, with the help of the Entrepreneurship Program's anti-chupacabra propaganda, have led to a quadrupling in sales of Brown University Mythical Beast Repellent Spray, despite the minor consequence of a campus-wide state of perpetual fear.
"You believe all of this bullshit? A chupacabra! This whole thing is absurd!" remarked junior Alexei Stalinchevsky. "And how could I possibly be a communist!? The fact that I'm even on that stupid list is
funny to me! Ha! Ha ha ha! .erm. Yay capitalism!"
Doherty is still relentlessly circling Salomon Hall on his motor scooter, holding a picket sign reading "Comics? More like COMMIES!" In honor of his determination, there will be a March on Comedy tomorrow afternoon, in which participants will wear Non-red colors and protest the fundamentals of stand up comedy. I suppose Doherty has shown us all that, indeed, you don't need legs to make a stand.
