Partly Cloudy, 64°
Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life in prison has become a reality for one of Brown's most notorious buccaneers. Brownbeard the Pirate, captain of the entirely pirate-run a capella group ARRR!!!, was convicted last Friday of using Limewire to illegally share music. He pleaded not guilty, claiming that, "it be an accident!"
"It's hard ter' click accurately when yer' hand be a hook! Curse ye' scurvy landlubbers!" Brownbeard continued.
The case took a drastic turn for the worse, however, when the prosecutor got his hands on a taped confession. Brownbeard has been condemned to serve three life sentences in a local Providence prison.
"Aye, I just be sending me mum a few 'er me fav'rite Celine Dio. I mean me fav'rite sailin' shanties. Ain't no crime in that! She ain't too computer savvy! Savvy?!?" the captain commented.
The captain was apprehended last month aboard his ship, the Plaque Bearl, after a four-hour skirmish with a small Providence Patrol Boat.
"I went out to make my rounds and there was this old decaying ship just sitting there in the dock," recounted an anonymous Coast Guard employee. "I noticed some guy with an eye patch leaning on the front of the ship singing 'My Heart Will Go On' and I ordered him to lift anchor. Next thing I know, a cannonball nearly decapitates me! I didn't know how to handle the situation at first, but four hours and twenty-six tasers later I had the guy cuffed."
Fellow members of ARRR!!! who witnessed the arrest have been surprisingly unaffected by the loss of their leader. In fact, First Mate Long John Rumchugger seemed elated after hearing of his captain's apprehension.
"Aye, 'tis truly a shame the cap'n met his demise. But if I wer' to be hearin' 'The Power of Love' one more time, I was plannin' to mutiny anyways. He be a good cap'n, one who shan't soon be forgotten. At least not til' we get done settin' fire to all o' his belongin's," said newly appointed Captain Rumchugger.
"Brown was a scoundrel an' a scalawag, and he be deservin' to sink ter' the bottom o' Davy Jones' Locker. The bottommest part o' the locker, too. Where ol' Jonesie kept his sweaty gym socks!" commented boatswain Two-Thumbed Joe. "Although, the new cap'n ain't much of an improvement. That blaggard Rumchugger be tryin' to ransack all the booty fer' himself! Arrrrrr!"
Upon hearing this testimony, Rumchugger forced Two-thumbed Joe to walk the plank or else attend the Jabberwocks archsing Saturday night.
Joe's body was found at the bottom of Providence River early Saturday morning. His two thumbs are currently missing, but were last seen at Wayland Arch at 9 p.m. Saturday.
After a brief customary mourning period, Rumchugger commandeered a couple of kegs from a local fraternity and "got things back ter' normal."
