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When the start of the school year finally brought about the separation craved so desperately by both parties, Brown students and parents alike leapt at the chance of uninhibited copulation without the resulting awkward dinner talk.
"After Colleen went to college, we really had a chance to 'reinvigorate' our marriage," said Solomon Artest P '14, air-quoting himself with his fingers and winking alternately with his eyes. "My wife and I really missed Colleen, don't get me wrong, but it's been 'a wild honeymoon' every night since she left."
"I've already slept with more guys than went to my entire high school," said Colleen Artest '14 between orgasms, "and without my parents breathing down my neck, I've been able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, however loudly I can."
"Although I do miss the warmth of their breath on my neck when I'm doing it," she added, halfway through yet another series of cacophonous climaxes.
Students quickly took to the new-found bounty of opportunities to slap together their genitals with a myriad of partners, while their parents on the other hand, after several weeks of reckless fornication, grew weary of stuffing the void of an empty nest.
"Every night. Bam! Every morning. Boom! I'd come home at midday for a quiche and a quickie, voila!" said Marty Gwendolin P '14, his member red with overuse. "It was a tough lifestyle to maintain."
"To crack the stale baguette of same ol' doggy style, same ol' reverse cowgirl, same ol' John-Doe-everyman-white-bread deep throat, we tried to recreate the magic of the first time we had sex together," said Maude Gwendolin P '14, going through the motions of yet another round of passionless coitus, "by bringing in a magician."
"I been watching a lot of Emeril recently," said Peter Mallow P '14, diddling his wife under the dinner table, "so I had the idea to bring food into the bedroom, but uh, Edna didn't seem to take to it when I opened the DiGiorno box glued to my pelvis and said 'it's not delivery, it's my wiener covered in pizza sauce.'"
"I think she was just upset I had ruined dinner," he added, licking the sauce off his fingers.
"My wife Mary keeps saying now that we've got an 'empty nest,' we can do whatever we want, and she runs her finger along my chest, pulling me by my tie towards the bedroom, but I don't know what that crazy hag is saying. That hornet's nest in the tree in the backyard is still full of those flapping bastards," said Errol Morren P '14, father of Ben Morren '14.
"I meant so we could have sex!" yelled Errol Morren's wife, Mary Morren P '14, from the kitchen, "you thick-skulled fat fuck."
"Sex?! What do I look like? A kindergartner? We ain't kids no more," added Errol Morren, popping open another Bud Light before receding to the bedroom to have sex with the cleaning lady.
When asked about his parents mating habits, Edward Gwendolin '14 said, "I think I'm going to stop going home on the weekends. My parents act like I'm not there unless they're asking me to dress up as a magician."
"And Mittens," he added, leaning down to inspect his cat illuminated by the sun shining in through the dry windows, "why are you wearing a purple cape and top hat? And why are you so wet? Is it raining out?"
