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The Brown Noser

Cold Stone Creamery Unveils New Revenge-Flavored Ice Cream

Published Friday, April 24th, 2009

From the people who wrought such ambrosia upon the world as "Cookie Doughn't You Want Some," "German Chokolatekake" and "The Pie Who Loved Me" comes an innovative and carnally satisfying new signature plate: "Revenge: A Dish Best Served Cold Stone."

Cold Stone Creamery announced the dish yesterday, kicking off a new line of emotionally-inspired flavors.

"It really started last month when Randy knocked a barrel of broken glass into the company cream vat," began Chief Creamer Paul Dubois. "People were concerned at first, but I said, 'Hell! Let's try it!' And you know what it tasted like? It tasted like pain. Sweet, delicious pain."

Dubois rushed the recipe, which he christened "Mo' Pain Mo' Gain," to the creamery's headquarters, where executives quickly pounced on what they saw as a gold mine of new-found promise. Since then, Cold Stone has been rolling out flavors by the bucketful, exploiting all possible forms of synesthesia.

"How many times have you been riding your bicycle through a violent Parisian storm and thought, 'Damn, the only thing that's missing here is ice cream in my mouth,'?" began chief executive Morris Dalton. "Well now, with our new 'Bicycle Ride Through Paris in the Rain and Cream,' you. yeah, Ben & Jerry's really snatched up all the good flavor namers. We take what we can get."

"I heard AC/DC was touring this summer and I really wanted to go, but the tickets were so expensive!" said Stan Alderman '12. "But now I can just go out and buy 'AC/DC Concert and Cake Batter' at Cold Stone and get all of my favorite hits PLUS cake batter for only three bucks! They even let me pick which row I get to sit in!"

Other local favorites include "Mid-Afternoon Nap Chunk," "Sitting in One of Those Massage Chairs at the Sharper Image in the Mall for Forty Five Minutes Swirl," "That Feeling you Got When Marlon Found Nemo Sorbet" and "Sexy Dough," but none of these flavors have yet attained the same global success as "Revenge: A Dish Best Served Cold Stone."

A devilish mix of chocolate sweet cream, marshmallow, keying the car of that douche bag who was sleeping with Ashley the entire time while you thought that he was just her ex- that she still spoke to because he was a psychologist who 'gives great spiritual advice,' and peppermint, the Revenge sundae just seems to be the flavor that hits home the hardest for many consumers.

Paul Schraut, an unemployed father of three who has a habit of beginning each and every sentence with 'in this economy,' explains, "In this economy, everyone is looking for somebody to turn into a scapegoat. Everyone is also looking for a delicious dessert. Now we can mix the two."

However, not everyone is profiting from this revenge and sweet cream blend. Local Ben & Jerry's manager Maria Goldfarb explains, "It's difficult to sell Cookie Cookie Sundaes when a store down the street is selling 'That Amazing Feeling You Get When You Eat a Ben & Jerry's Cookie Cookie Sundae Sundae' for half the price. I think we may be fighting a losing battle."

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