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English Professor Christopher Robinson apologized yesterday for the awkward misspelling of "office hours" as "orifice hours" in last week's email to his introductory literary theory course. Robinson blamed his typographical error on his office's many distractions, which he listed as a soft red couch, two Marvin Gaye greatest hits CDs, and a thick, relatively soundproof door that locks from the inside.
"Sorry again, everybody," Robinson said to his class. "I know it must have felt strange to read that word and apply its erotic connotations to a figure of authority like me. Strange, but also deeply invigorating, I'd imagine."
"The environment in my office so intensely relaxes and disinhibits me that I'll make frequent mistakes in my writing," explained Robinson, who only works in silk pajamas. "It' s the same reason why last Monday's lecture slides read 'mind-blowing orgasms' instead of 'Toni Morrison's Beloved.'"
Next Robinson wondered aloud why he had decided to illuminate his place of work only with red-glass light bulbs and replace his desk with a waterbed.
As students slowly began filing out of Robinson's classroom, he pleaded that they not allow his embarrassing email blooper to dissuade them from attending office hours. "My carelessness says nothing about my ability to assist you personally as a professor, just as my age says nothing about my virility as a lover," said Robinson, who is eighty. "Do not assume that I don't take academic scholarship seriously simply because my hands were covered in body oil and lost traction on the keyboard."
"For that matter, do not assume that I don't take body oil seriously," added Robinson, massaging oil into the skin between his toes.
Robinson's apology has done little to abate student reluctance to visit his office, during scheduled times of 1:00-2:30 p.m. on Mondays and Wednesdays, or from 1:00-3:00 a.m. on Saturdays and Sundays.
"Convincing one's pupils to utilize office hours is a true challenge for every professor - and surprisingly, writing your availability in permanent marker on the walls of nearly every bathroom stall on campus doesn't help," Robinson said. "Students typically avoid office hours due to a false sense of inferiority to their professors. But although my familiarity with English literature may exceed that of my pupils, in many other ways I believe that they are superior to me."
"For instance, their breasts are more supple," added Robinson.
Despite poor attendance, Robinson still believes in the true benefit of office hours - which he will still allow students to refer to as orifice hours, if it increases their level of comfort.
"Office hours are an integral part of a student's education, and I'm willing to do anything to attract more kids to mine," said Robinson. " Whether it's increasing my availability, bringing snacks, going to the gym more often, or buying a motorcycle."
"Because that's why I became a college professor," concluded Robinson. "For the kids."
