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In February the Brown Noser published a series of corrections of a December profile of then-prospective-Brown-freshman Emma Watson. Additional information had come to light calling our attention to several factual inaccuracies in the December article. Since then, however, additional information has come to light calling our attention to several factual inaccuracies in the February corrections of the December article. We at the Noser think nothing more important than the public's right to accurate news coverage, and what follows are the corrections of said inaccuracies found in said corrections of said article.
1. It was suggested in the second paragraph that Ms. Watson should be classified as a "traitor." The Noser would like to clarify that this was meant solely in the legal sense, as the perpetrator of an act of treason, as per the Treason Act 1351, wherein one definition of treason reads: "when a man doth compass or imagine the death of our lord the King, or of our lady his Queen or of their eldest son and heir." And who hasn't imagined that?
2. A careless typo at the end of the fourth paragraph resulted in the erroneous characterization of Ms. Watson as "a soulless Cambridge-loving whore," instead of the intended description, as an understanding, compassionate, and above all forgiving person who would totally understand if an honest reporter who, after being tragically misinformed into thinking she was deserting Brown University for Cambridge, reacted in an entirely appropriate way.
3. The February corrections listed Ms. Watson's birthday as April 15, 1990. This was correct, but it should be noted that this reporter was also born in 1990; it is too much of a coincidence to be mere chance. Destiny.
4. The claim that "Ms. Watson has no heart" was also a typo. It should read "my heart."
5. It was stated that: "I hate you, Emma Watson! You never meant anything to me, and even if it seemed like I cared, rest assured that I never did, you bitch! It's always the most beautiful people who have the most empty and remorseless souls within." Uh. That was a typo too? Wait, Emma, the Brown Noser can explain! This was all a terrible mistake. A quote taken out of context. This whole thing was a huge joke; can't you see that?
6. No, you have to forgive me, please! I don't even know why this is a separate correction, it's just important that you understand. That's just it, I'm correcting an unfortunate misunderstanding is all. I never meant to say those things. It was a lie when I said you destroyed my life; you gave it purpose, passion! Ever since the day I almost touched you when you visited campus, I have known in my soul that we are like opposing magnets, destined one day to join! Take me back, Emma. Please.
