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Citing the fact that no one died, caught on fire, or contracted food poisoning at her fourth annual Lonely Hearts Valentine's Dinner, hostess Jill Werther '10 has declared the awkward, depressing gathering "a success!"
Werther was remarkably pleased with her ability to throw such an awesome party on short notice. "Until a week ago, I expected I would have other plans this year," she sighed, pausing to gaze dramatically out the window. "But I pulled this shindig together like a pro anyway." She sent Facebook invitations to 421 of her closest friends, of whom three responded that they would attend, six that they might attend, and 93 that they would not attend (319 had not yet responded on the evening of the party).
Werther, who recently broke up with her boyfriend Dan Mason '10, denied reports that this year's dinner was especially "intense" or "disturbingly vindictive."
"Not at all! It's just a really fun tradition with me and my girlfriends," Werther said. "It's kind of anti-Valentine's, you know, since we're sick of all the lovey-dovey stuff around campus. And the lying, cheating dirtbags who say they love you and then break up with you a week before Valentine's Day for a slut like Kim Hink. Let me show you what I made for the hors d'oeuvres!"
Werther served Backstabbed Vegetarian Kebabs, which she explained "represent the impaled hopes and dreams of a failed devotion." She added with a grin, "Cooking is so fun!"
A main course followed with smashed artichoke hearts, bitter broccoli rabe, and "I'm So Fat I'll Never Find Another Boyfriend" Casserole.
Sari Mills '11, who has attended Werther's Valentine's dinners for the past three years, said that she felt this year's event was slightly different in tone. Mills said, "I was expecting some girl talk and nail polish, maybe if things got really crazy a game of Ouija. But Jill seemed really into the theme this year."
Mills confessed that she started to get bored during the second viewing of the film Unfaithful. Werther then promised a break from romantic themes and slipped in Requiem for a Dream.
"I suppose I could have varied the entertainment a little more," admitted Werther. "You can only listen to Alanis Morissette's classic breakup album Jagged Little Pill so many times in a row before it starts to lose the raw edge that makes it so powerful in the first place. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?"
After one and a half Heartbreak-tinis, Werther casually suggested that the party take a stroll up Thayer Street. After scouring the windows of Paragon until she spotted Mason and Hink laughing inside "like the grotesque nincompoop and second-rate ragamuffin that they are," Werther had to be forced away and dragged home by her guests.
"But everyone loved the desserts," she told the Noser, "which is the true mark of an adequate-to-good party." While she may be correct in theory, the sour lemon squares and frosted sugar cookies in the shape of broken hearts were not enough to stop her guests from going home feeling totally bummed out.
