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A DNA test revealed yesterday that fellow Sigma-Chi rushers Ian Miller '13 and Josh Hendricks '13 are more than just "beer pong partners for life dude, high five!": they are brothers.
The blood work confirmed that best friends Miller-Smirnoff and Hendricks-Smirnoff, who have since adopted their biological intoxicator's name, had near identical blood alcohol content levels during their brief stays at Providence hospital.
"It makes sense; we only ever drink together," proclaimed Miller-Smirnoff. "We're really close. It's like the old adage--we're such good friends that we can even finish each others."
"Natty Lights!" interrupted Hendricks-Smirnoff, briefly pausing his Mario Kart 64 grand prix before proceeding to place second on Rainbow Road behind "fucking Yoshi."
According to Emergency Medical Services, the discovery was made that the fraternity brothers' BACs, both of which were substantially above the legal limit, differed by a margin of .00001. According to University Medic and Earner of a Pass with Distinction in BIO 20 Kyle Chu '12, "I can confidently state that this is a feat only possible amongst direct blood relatives."
However, this familial discovery has led to mixed emotions from Brown students, many of whom may now be related in what has become a twisted orgy of family trees.
"Everyone on the fourth floor of Champlin was drinking from the same vat of jungle juice last weekend," began partygoer Lucy Nardone '13. "Which is kinda cool, except I guess that means that I may have had sex with a few of my brothers." She quietly added, "And possibly with my regular brother, also. I was pretty trashed."
One student, Eddie Petchard '10, has even discovered that he is a father.
"I brewed some root beer for my friends, but I let it sit too long and it fermented, so I guess I'm a daddy now," said Petchard, joyfully lighting a celebratory Cuban cigar. He then turned to suitemate Natasha Edelstein-Petchard '10, yelling, "you're not going anywhere with a skirt that short, little lady! And is that makeup you're wearing!?!?!" before returning to paying his monthly dormitory electricity bills and then tuning in to watch "60 Minutes".
Other local moonshine distilleries have organized get-togethers across campus where students can meet fellow buzz brothers and sisters and discuss their alcoholic genealogies. A group of such siblings who met at the 'Whoever had Baileys and Hot Chocolate at the Buxton party on February 19th' family reunion picnic have even gone so far as to rent an RV and do a cross country family road trip to visit 'cousin Brenda,' who goes to the University of Southern California but was visiting Brown on the weekend of Buxton's 'Cocoa Cabana.'
"The trip was pretty fun. We played checkers and sang songs, but Robert [Mckelroy-Bailey '12] kept grabbing my arm and telling me to 'stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself' and Wendy [Almeida-Bailey '12] would always take forever in the bathroom, so it got kinda annoying at times," recalled Martha Owens-Bailey '13. "It sucks being the youngest. But they're family, so I love them just the same."
Despite this recent slew of revelations, however, some students remain relatively unfazed.
Said Louisiana native and hilarious Southern stereotype Johnny Lee Cochran '11, "It doesn't make much difference to me. Most of my friends at home are related to me anyway."
